Saturday 27 September 2014 11.16pm
FELLOW LOCALS! I CHALLENGE YOU!!!
That's right, my long-suffering neighbours, I have a challenge for you all!
Yes! we ALL have tales of woe, injustice, intellectual castration and sheer, bloody-minded stroke-inducing maltreatment at the hands of our local authority (Southwark Council
) but I believe I can both shatter and set a few records here; making your complaints look as if you live in the security of Westminster, and not here in the glowing Borough of Southwark where everyone is happy! (98%)
Now, we'll all have gripes about repairs (but how's this for a record: it took TWELVE YEARS[b]
[/b] to have my windows repaired! Yet despite the demoralizing frustration at just how insignificant and worthless you are, that's nothing compared to what has occurred this week.
Dear Reader, at this point you are warned not to continue if you are a human being, as what follows is shocking and may cause distress and extreme discomfort!!!
On Monday 22nd September at approximately 08.45am my naked wife and I, still slumbering cosily and, what we thought, safely, after celebrating my birthday the evening before, were woken by a man in a hi-viz jacket wielding what looked like a machete, not two feet from our heads. Separated only by the glass of our window we were absolutely terrified at such a violation. Instantly, I sprang from the bed and into the 'garden area' of our ground-floor flat. "What are you doing?!" I yelled. "Who are you!? Why are you on my property?! Why are you destroying my property!?!"
Now then - and, bear in mind, I want you to eclipse this story - without any prior consultation to their works whatsoever; without any information, query, or warning, these people simply climbed over the wall to my garden area and, as well as willfully killing the flowering plants, hacked to death a jasmine tree that I had planted as a 'cutting' some 17 years ago and was enjoyed by all my local neighbours.
I'm told that this was done for 'access and safety' for scaffolding. However (photos to follow if you wish), they have left and maintained both of my neighbours trees, vines and plants, built the scaffold and lovingly replaced their satellite dishes.
For me, it's like rape. We all know that Southwark has some form of 'Scorched Earth' policy (according to my source at 160 Tooley Street
) but, surely, a simple query from them could have left all parties happy instead of, as usual, us long suffering residents and tenants being walked all over by mere employees from other boroughs and 'carpet baggers' quaffing brandy on Pall Mall...
What say you, little people...?