Xmas jokes.

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Thursday 20 December 2012 6.20pm
It may be an old cliché that the best Irish jokes have been told by Irishmen and the best Jewish jokes by Jews, but in my experience it has proved, more often than not, to be true.
I was reminded of one today, told to me many years ago by a Jewish friend.

It's the last day of term and the teacher is asking her class of eight year-olds how they are going to spend their Christmas. Every hand goes up and the normal replies given. (Family coming, Christmas dinner,Father Christmas, Christmas tree, etc. etc.) The teacher cannot help but notice that little Benjamin still has his hand up and, not wanting tom ignore him she says, kindly: "Benjamin, you're Jewish. Surely your family don't celebrate Christmas."
"We do, Miss," he replies.
She's now curious.
"Well," says Benjamin. "My dad owns a toy factory, and this is a very busy time of the year for him. On Christmas Eve he takes us to the warehouse to look at all the empty shelves. It's always sold out. Nothing is left. We then hold hands and sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus,' and then we fly off for two weeks in the Bahamas!"
Friday 21 December 2012 6.07pm

A small turkey.
Saturday 22 December 2012 1.43pm
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Saturday 22 December 2012 11.14pm
A ventriloquist phones his agent.
"Anything available? I haven't worked for three years and it's Christmas time. I need some work to put some food on the table."
His agent replies.
"I keep telling you, there's no call for vent acts these days. They're old hat."
The conversation continues.
"But there must be something out there. I'll do anything. It don't have to be a vent job."

"The only thing I've got is the same thing I've offered you for the last three Decembers. Standing in for the old lady who does the clairvoyant act at the end of Southend Pier. She can't work in winter, coz of her arthritis."

"I'm desperate. I'll take it. But what do I have to do?"

"Just blag it. It's all a con anyway. Charge what you like. As long as I get my ten per cent I don't care."

The following day he's at the end of the pier. Two hours pass and not a soul. Then an old lady waddles up.
"I lost my husband this time last year. I'd like to know if he's happy where he's gone and to let him know how much I miss him. Can you help?"

"I certainly can. I provide three services. For ten pounds you can speak to him using me as a medium. For fifteen pounds you can speak to him, and he will reply, using me as a medium. For twenty pound you can have the de luxe service."

"What's the de luxe service?"

"Well, you speak to him, he speaks to you, and I drink a glass of water at the same time."
Sunday 23 December 2012 12.09pm
Royal Mail will deliver all Christmas mail before the 25th.

“What is Santa’s favourite pizza? One that’s deep pan, crisp and even.”
Sunday 23 December 2012 2.16pm
I believe the second one, Phoney. But come on............
Monday 24 December 2012 7.22pm
I was sitting in front of the log fire this evening with a nice glass of Merlot in my hand. The lights were low, the Christmas tree was twinkling away in the corner and my dear wife was sitting in the armchair opposite. Quietly reading her magazine after a hard day's slaving in the kitchen in preparation for Christmas day. I felt mellow and content. "I love you," I murmured.
The wife looked up, smiled and said, "Is that the wine talking?"
"No," I replied. "It was me.....I was talking to the wine."
Friday 18 January 2013 12.51pm
Fast forward to January jokes:
Recent tests on supermarket burgers discovered they were low in fat but high in Shergar.

A woman taken ill after eating a burger containing horse meat is said to be stable.
Friday 18 January 2013 1.52pm
Tests on Tesco's burgers have established that the horses were abused before being slaughtered, police sources believe that Jimmy Saddle was involved.

Tesco have introduced a new cheeseburger, it is made with Mask A Pony cheese,

I'll get me coat!
Saturday 19 January 2013 8.11am
in the wake of the Tesco "scandal" I await upmarket Waitrose's introduction of the quarter panda!

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