Joke Time

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Friday 7 May 2004 10.44am
The sun is shining and this one put me in an even better mood for the w/e: -

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

Friday 7 May 2004 10.48am
Q: What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
A: A dyouthinkesaurous
Friday 7 May 2004 11.08am
Q How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
A Three: a left ear, a right ear and a space the final frontier.
Friday 7 May 2004 11.39am
G00se - tell us the one about the American who finaly understood sarcasm! go on! it's great!

a termite walks into a bar and says
'is the bar tender here?'
Friday 7 May 2004 11.49am
OK, Jon [and Harriet], just for you.....

NEWS FLASH [in the New York Times]:

"American Discovers Sarcasm"

Bill MacKenzie Jnr was visiting London in the British Isles, when he discovered sarcasm.
'Yup. It was, like, really cool, you know ? I was standing in, like, the pouring rain on one of those quaint little streets they have in Britain. Maaan, it was really coming down. There was this pin-striped dude next to me and he said "Hey, nice weather, huh ?"

'I was stunned, coz, like, it sure wasn't nice, you know what I mean ?'

It then occurred to this astute US citizen, that he had actually unearthed this phenomenon previously horded by the UK - sarcasm.

'Of course,' said proud Bill later 'I now use it all the time. For instance, last week, at my Sunday BBQ. I mean i had burnt the cr@p outta my burgers, so I shouted "Hey " Nice weather !"
Friday 7 May 2004 12.01pm
thanks! just as funny as it was after a few beers!
Friday 7 May 2004 12.24pm
was sent this today-cheered me up!

A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Friday 7 May 2004 12.29pm
Friday 7 May 2004 12.33pm
A bloke goes into a top class restuarant and orders squid. The waiter takes him over to the tank to choose, and there's only one in there - a manky, pale green squid with a hairy lip.

The bloke has no choice - if he wants squid, it's that or nothing. So he chooses the little squid in the tank.

The squid gets taken to Gervaise, the world-reknowned chef, who raises his sharpest knife in the air, ready to bring down and slice the squid...but the little fella is sitting there, all green and quivering, fear in his eyes...and Gervaise can't bring himself to kill it.

So he asks Hans, the German dishwasher over to do the deed. Hans picks up one of Gervaise's best cleavers and raises it over his head...but the poor little moustachioed squid looks up, catches his eye, and Hans just doesn't have the heart to do it.

The moral of this story?

"Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervaise with vile green hairy-lipped squid"
Friday 7 May 2004 12.47pm
Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Ole answered, "Panty Stitcher". "I sew the elastic onto lady's cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The Clerk explained "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says: "Yah, diesel fitter."

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