George W. Bush is driving across Texas at 100mph. He gets stopped by the Highway Patrol. The patrolman strolls over to the car and says:
"Excuse me sir, can I see your licence"
"What?" says George W. "Dont you know who I am?"
"Excuse me sir, can I see your licence?"
"Hey" says George W. " You MUST know me. I'm George W. I;m the President, for God's sake".
"Hmmm," says the Highway Patrol man, " You got any I.D?"
George W. pauses for some time. then says:
A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says
"Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I *****ed on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ****?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close
to death They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable, when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,
and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon,
back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured
pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun
opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
A man came home from work and found his three children outside,
still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded
against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel,
and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was
spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles
of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be
ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out
the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more
toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and
toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, ''What happened here
She again smiled and answered, ''You know every day when you
come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?'' "Yes," was his reply.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN !!!! TO THE RIGHT
Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL !!!! IN TUB.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN,LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME
In a Bucharest Hotel lobby (really!):
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water,when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of ther pier,crying. He took pity on her and said,"Look,you have so much to live for,I'm off to America in the morning,and if you like,I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day" Moving closer,he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added,"I'll keep you happy,and you'll keep me happy" The girl nodded 'Yes'. After all,what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night,the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.From then on,every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,and they made love until dawn. Two weeks later,during a routine inspection,she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,"she explained. "I get food and a trip to America,and he's screwing me" "He certainly is," said the captain. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry"