Doctor, doctor, I keep making these terrible Freudian slips. Last night, for example, I meant to say to my wife,
"Please pass the butter"
But instead, I said,
"You've completely ruined my life, you rotten cow."
A guy walks into a pub and orders a beer. Just as he's about to take a sip a monkey dashes into the pub, leaps onto the bar, pisses in the guys drink and runs out.. So the guy orders another beer, just as he is about to take a drink the monkey runs in again and pisses in his pint. The guy tries a third time and again the monkey dashes in and pisses in his drink - this time the guy decides to give chase and runs out of the pub following the monkey. As he turns a corner he can see the monkey sitting beside an old chap playing an accordion so he runs up and says to him 'do you know your monkey keeps pissing in my beer' The old chap replies 'No son, but you hum it and i'll play it'
A man and his woman are in a pub. On the floor a mangy-looking hound is licking its wedding tackle.
" I wish I could do that," said the bloke, wistfully.
"if you give him a crisp he'll probably let you," said the woman.
I've been told this is ancient and the punchline is obvious, but i only heard it the other day and it made me chuckle out loud
an old married couple are struggling to make ends meet, they live in a small flat, they don't get much pension, the bloke is always moaning. The old lady has a go at her husband that they should do more, free things to help save money, and enjoy life a bit.
'Right, get your coat on love' says the bloke 'I'm going to that free concert in Burgess Park, for a bit of fun'
'Great!' she replies,'a nice walk in the park together'
'no! you're not coming! I'm just turning the central heating off while I'm out'