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Tell me a joke...

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Current: 7 of 24
Anonymous User
Tuesday 31 August 2004 10.07am
Tharg drinker of pervy wrote:
> Has Birdie seen the Mister Whippy joke yet?

About 30 years ago!!

I did try to enlighten TLMJJ but I was driving at the time so I don't believe it had the required effect.
Tuesday 31 August 2004 10.17am
I'm sorry, I was confused as to who had and hadn't seen it.
Tuesday 31 August 2004 11.45am
I still haven't seen it!
I think they must have said it before I turned up last week!

clearly it's not possible to tell this joke whilst driving!
Tuesday 31 August 2004 12.29pm
I shouldn't want to be crossing the road while Birdie was driving and doing that joke. I'll show you next time I see you Jon.
Thursday 2 September 2004 4.19pm
Dodo died, Dodi died, Di died, Dando died... surely Dido's looking a bit worried
Saturday 4 September 2004 6.28pm
This bloke has both of his ears sliced off in an accident, so he puts
them in a carrier bag and gets the bus to the hospital. When he gets to the hospital, he suddenly realises he's left his ears on the bus, and with blood pouring out the side of his head he hasn't got time to go and find them. So he gets in to see the doctor, who tells him that he can sew some pigs ears on to replace the original ones. He's a bit dubious at first, but the doc assures him that everything will be OK. Anyway, the operation is a success, and the doc takes off the bandages and gives the bloke a mirror to check out his new lugs.
"They're a bit big aren't they doctor?" said the man.
"Nah, they'll be fine, they'll just take some getting used to, that's all," he replies.
"They're a bit hairy aren't they doctor," says the patient.
"Well they are, but that won't be a problem, just shave them every morning with your normal razor," replies the doctor.
"Doctor, will I be able to hear OK out of my new pigs ears," says the patient.
And the doctor replies....
"Probably, though you may get a bit of crackling."

Thursday 16 September 2004 2.12pm
Two monkeys in a bath.

One says "Oo oo, oo oo, ah ah"

The other one says "Well, put some cold in then you prat".



Police have today searched Michael Jackson's house and found class A drugs in his living room, class B drugs in his dining room, and class 12 C in his bedroom.


...and continuing on the ears theme...

A bloke with no ears runs his own company, but needs to hire a PA. He gets three applicants, and as a test of how tactile each can be, he opens each interview with the question "What one thing do you think when you look at me?"

He asks this of the first interviewee, and she says "Well, I have noticed you have no ears". This isn't tactile enough for him, so he asks her to leave.

He asks the same question of the second interviewee, and she responds "I didn't like to say, but I did see you have no ears". Again, the man asks the girl to leave.

He asks his final applicant the question, and she replies "Well, I imagine you wear contact lenses". This answer pleases him - he continues, she gives a great interview and he gives her the job.

"By the way," he says, "it's strange that you should notice I'm a lens wearer. What prompted that observation?"

To which she replies "Well, you'd look pretty daft wearing glasses, what with you not having any ears"...
Thursday 16 September 2004 2.29pm
Longer but Pure genius...


1.Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2.Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3.It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
(1). When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(2). The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(3). After wrecking your boss' car.
(4). One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(5). When she is using her teeth.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.

5.If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.

6.Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10.You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment, she's officially your

11.It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.

12.Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick
another bloke in the nuts.

13.Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14.Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15.If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16.Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

17.You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw
it into a ceiling fan.

18.A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

19.Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but
not both - that's just mean.

20.If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.

21.Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if
she's withholding sex pending your response.

22.Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(1). Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(2). C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(3). Another set and we can hit the showers!

23.Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing, both
urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost
imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

24.Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able
to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

25.You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive
hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese,
turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is
broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.

26.The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is
no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.

27.It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.

28.Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.4 litres.
Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a

29.Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.

30.The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2. End of

Bien joué...
Monday 20 September 2004 9.49am
Chicken drumb sticks are rubbish!

they never last the entire song.
Friday 8 October 2004 8.10pm
Black Beauty.......He was a dark horse.

Morris dancing.......ring any bells?

I went to the butcher and he said: "I bet you 10 you can't reach those two bits of meat"
I said: "I'm not betting"
He said: "Why not?"
I said: "The steaks are too high"

I've got a sponge front door: don't knock it!

I'm actually colour-blind, but it doesn't stop me enjoying myself.
Last night I went to see Joseph and his Amazing Brown Coat.

I was playing football on this aeroplane. It was amazing. I was running down the wing.
Current: 7 of 24

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