Tell me a joke...

Bloke goes into a restaurant and asks for the soup. When the waiter brings it out he has his thumb in the soup;

Customer: "Waiter, why do you have your thumb in my soup"
Waiter: "To keep my thumb warm"
Customer: "Why don't you shove it up your bum?"
Waiter: "I do when I'm in the kitchen"

Ba-dum-tish!

'get your coat, wife, I'm going up the pub'
'What?! Am I coming with you?'
'No, I'm saving money by turning the heating down while I'm out'

Old, geeky joke....


Dear Technical Support,

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2.0 and Playboy 6.1

Successive versions of Girlfriend have proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in my system forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all my hardware.

Seeing a way out I upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did this largely because whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all the available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.

However I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. Not only that, they then resurfaced months later.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can without warning launch Hot Tongue 2.1 and Cold Shoulder 4.2. These latter products have no help files and require you to try and guess the problem yourself.

Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle that came with the original system needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law which can't be turned off. Any Suggestions?

Dear User,
Take your whole package Wife 1.0, and trade in for a new improved version........ either Wife 2.0 or Mistress 1.0.

Not as much of a joke as it seems:

http://www.arkhamfilms.com/ibitch.html

Courtroom drama custody ruling.

7 Year Old Challenges Judge
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he
challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded
custody to his aunt.

The boy however confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents, and
refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his
grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.


Then in an unprecedented move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy to
choose who should have custody of him.


In a final ruling yesterday, custody was granted to the England Rugby Team
as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?





No, idea





What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?





Still no idea






What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?






Still no f*****g idea!!!

what do you call a fish with three eyes?



fiiish

What does a sheep with no lips say?



"aaaaaaaaaa"

what did the cow say on holiday?

- 'moo'


what did the rock say to the tortiose?

- nothing - rocks can't talk.

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
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Eclipse it!